The long road, Chapter 8
- Glen Walker
- Jan 26
- 16 min read
Updated: Mar 20
CHAPTER 8
The DISCARD Phase ~ Liar - Jelly Roll
How does an 11 year relationship 9 years of marriage and being on the brink of dreamed success go up in smoke in less than a year?
Enter THE DISCARD PHASE!!! Triggered by either setting boundaries that limit manipulative abuse… supply OR a medical condition that temporarily pauses supply OR a narcissist’s greatest fear = The Mask Exposed and truth revealed.
So this is the craziest upside down year! One that finally reveals the true relationship dynamic. An all out effort from one side (my) to build and grow for 11 years, and the truth of that one-sidedness threatened to be revealed by the unavoidable occurrence of a temporarily disabling medical condition.
Note: Phew! What a sentence…
It’s the dichotomy of worlds colliding one (me) feeling like a burden because of an unforeseen medical condition, feeling like a failure for no longer able to provide the supply. The other rooted in make-believe, feeling entitled to needs being met (including emotional regulation instead of self-regulation), with no remorse and no accountability. And as the collision implodes (I) blamed for its collapse, character assassinated and thrown out like garbage!
How is this even possible? (I thought, in my despair) As a naive extreme giver I didn’t think it was possible. This confusion led to a hell that I wouldn’t wish upon anyone. But I crawled my way through, I crawled my way forward. Through a lot of work I survived and healed. I now thrive and can finally tell the whole true story.
Maybe just maybe? It may even reach those who were lied to by Narc in order to isolate me and the truth from being exposed. (Note: those commonly known as “flying monkeys”)(note continued… not only was I discarded and trampled on by my wife in my time of need, oh no, she went all the way. Attempted to get our whole circle of friends and family to do the same. Only 1 called BS and remained true. However, because of my absolute selflessness in this breakup situation I kept my distance from G (the mutual friend) so as to Not impede on any support Narc may be seeking. I will admit that there were moments I was absolutely breaking down in anguish, heartache and despair where I reached out to her. She always picked up the phone.
Here is the full story of the year that changed everything. And I mean EVERYTHING.
THE MEDICAL CONDITION
I had been sweeping The Ringing in my ears under the rug for over a year. I knew at some point I was going to have to deal with it. The effects on my health were getting worse.
Note: What I did not know was that I had been sweeping narsassistic abuse under the rug for years too. And somehow (The Ringing) was leading me down the path of: “the one uncovering the other.”
The Ringing is like 2 cicadas performing their mating call inside my skull 24 hours a day, 365 days a year. The diagnosis was lifelong Severe Tinnitus directly caused by cutting vehicles at the scrapyard when I 1st immigrated to Canada🇨🇦 . Even though there is such a thing as workers insurance, for this exact purpose. I was rejected because (cart before the horse) “the hearing damage” wasn't severe enough for the actual culprit “severe tinnitus” to be accepted.
Note: But ok I had family support right? The “family” I had supported in every opportunity (shirt off my back) through hell and high water. The short answer: Yes. The long answer: No. A mask is always fake. Narc seemingly tried to be supportive and it was believable. The weirdest thing rang in my head louder and louder than The Ringing itself. How come the precise thing (that I had figured out that helps): Empathy, (authentic) conversation and (authentic) affection, even under these medical circumstances was seemingly impossible for Narc to comprehend?
Those 3 things (empathy, conversation, affection) if genuine? create that elusive PEACE that provided the mental SPACE for me to process my way through this. Thinking about it? Aren’t I simply trying to describe “CARE”.
Severe tinnitus is (initially) a mentally shocking and traumatic torture.
It was a shattering blow to face the reality that the whole foundation of a 11 year relationship was a “lie “or simply “not there”/“non-existent”.
My business, and everything I had dedicated 11 years to building was disappearing.
Note: And it’s not like I did not communicate precisely what I needed, IN THE CLEAREST POSSIBLE WAYS… In the kindest possible ways, over and over again. I just couldn’t comprehend that someone (my wife) would refuse to really really care. Like I’ve said before: I didn’t know what Narcassism was or that I was asking the impossible. Something normal to you and I is incomprehensible to a narcissist. I even pleaded to have some of our friends and family over for support… Not realizing that this would’ve put the spotlight on Narcs deficiency and so this was avoided by her at all costs.
THE MEDICAL CONDITION continued…
The Ringing was overwhelming, I hadn’t had a good nights sleep in over a year. My mind was just not getting rest and reset. (Sleep deprivation is a torture technique for good reason).
Sleeping pills or psych meds would have been counter productive.
1. I’ve always figured out my own problems through self-work and self reflection. T.E.D.C. Thought, Effort, Discipline, (self) Control
2. My greatest inspiration in life is delving into the furthest reaches of the last frontier, the mind. Numbing my mind with meds was a band-aid. The way forward was to find a permanent solution. I needed to think far outside the box to solve this once and for all. I knew I could do it. Meds would numb my spirit and I needed every ounce my spirit could muster. For some meds may work, but for me it was giving up and I was not ever gonna do that.
MEDICAL CONDITION continued… (effects/symptoms)
Panic attacks feel like you’re about to die. It’s like facing death or total loss. They are terrifying. I noticed the signs and taught myself skills to keep them at bay, but the underlying cause was that my mind was not getting the rest it needed. With no real conversation or empathy to get that peace; very little if any sleep; meds not an option. The only thing that could bring my brain down to an idle was alcohol. Through lifelong self-awareness I could accurately monitor the effects and hopefully prevent a catastrophic burn-out. (Well I had 2 catastrophic burnouts anyways, but more on them later…) Self medicating with Alcohol WAS NEVER going to be a permanent solution but superficially, if taken out-of-context could look bad.
And there it was:
Note: Yes, this was the perfect scapegoat/rationalization Narc was looking for to set up her “discard phase”. (We’re not quite there yet) My usefulness was paused. ‘Supply’ was paused. “So I had to go”. And I had just given her all she needed to paint herself as a victim. I guess she believed that most people would believe alcohol was the problem (she could spin that) BUT that was NOT the truth: It was a thoroughly thought out plan “b”, part of the solution. Plan “a” was: “authentic care”.
She was right. (She could spin that)
The anxiety got so bad I couldn't leave the house, but I forced myself to go out and be productive. The way I did this was growing vegetables at Donkey's Farm and in a greenhouse I built at home.
Tip: If you ever find yourself in a deep dark hole. Being productive in any form or fashion is guaranteed to help. I swear by it.
Catastrophic burnouts
Then for the first time in my life my mind had a catastrophic burnt out. “I” went nuts. For over a minute “I” was GONE. Nothing was damaged and no one was hurt, but I was almost locked up for that. If that were to happen my life would literally be over. Forced meds, padded cell… Lock the door and throw away the key, OVER!
I spoke with Narc in my most vulnerable and desperate state. She was my wife and I had naively put my life in her hands.
Note: I had no idea at the time that asking for authentic care from Narc was actually impossible for her. Not knowing this fact about narcissism added to my confusion.
It was almost like the universe was messing with me because the only other thing that gave me the mental rest that I so desperately needed besides alcohol was conversation and intimacy/empathy. “Are you kidding me?” “Conversation and intimacy/empathy?” I tested it and it worked. I was testing, exploring and experimenting with hundreds if not thousands of different mental tactics, sounds, music, nutrition, thought processes and action. Real conversation actually worked. I could feel the glimmer of light from this. Through hard work I knew I could find a way forward. But alas, instead of peace I was being lied to and somewhere deep down I knew it.
Note: What I needed was exactly what a Narcissist cannot participate in. (Empathy, Real talk, Real love)*care. They teach themselves how to mask these things and become experts, fooling almost everyone. There’s a tiny little subtle difference that makes all the difference: It’s NOT authentic. Anybody else with basic humanity would’ve helped. My need shone a light directly onto the very thing a narcissist HAS TO hide from the world. Feeling the “threat” of exposure Narc chose full-on destruction. Logically this makes sense now: by destroying me and banishing/isolating me from family she would never have to face the truth. And that is the difference between all the other borderline personality/avoidant/emotionally-detached disorders and Narcassism. Narcissist’s created worlds have this convenient attribute of zero-accountability which allows them to be cruel beyond words with no remorse. Let’s see now how dark this goes.
I was also being productive at another “friends” farm. Cutting trails in the woods with my excavator and harvesting wood with my chainsaw. I was desperate for care so organized a fire pit meal in the back forty, arranged everything for a Friday night. (The night with the highest likelihood of any *care from Narc.) A kind-of self-organized intervention… “how weird that I would need to do something like that?” I asked Narc to come out after work. With my desperate state glaringly obvious, all anyone could do was talk about themselves. Swallowing this truth pill sent me into my 2nd catastrophic burn-out. This “friend” (who knew of my dire situation) called the cops on me (or was it actually Narc and he covered for her?) This was literally the worst possible thing he/she could’ve done. I was having a mental breakdown from mental burnout. At this stage of my condition his ignorance or her (hmmm intent?) could have done-me-in for good. (Maybe this was an attempt at getting rid of me, dunno?.) Adrenaline calms me in high stress situations or I’ve taught myself how to remain calm, so I remained calm, conscious and I had a sixth sense this betrayal was about to take place. I convinced the cops to leave me alone. After the police left the betrayal caused the longest panic attack I had ever experienced and I didn’t even think its duration was possible. It lasted for about 7 hours. SEVEN HOURS!
“Fake friends are like shadows. They follow you in the Sun but leave you in the Dark.” - Buddha
On that day I gave my 2 (now brothers) best friends a (911) msg. Both came through for me. Hunter did the heavy lifting and brought me back that day.
The pretend/mask part. I’m just trying to give credit where credit is due: Narc put up with a lot. Select tv shows, music on repeat, white noise in the background, my irritability, my depression and hopeless thoughts. I was in a nightmare and a scary nightmare to live with. But the scariest part for a narcissist is the fear that their mask that covers their deficiencies being revealed. And like I’ve mentioned before; masking this will be protected AT ALL COSTS. Leading to the intentional cruelty, manipulation and lies… and I’m sorry but you just don’t kick people when they are down. Isn’t that basic humanity?
Note: BIG difference between an avoidant (Dismissive or fearful avoidant attachment style) and Narcassism is: Narcassism = ratianalized cruelty with ZERO remorse, ZERO accountability.
Somehow Narc became a 'victim' in all this, turned it around and made it all about her and used (the scapegoat) as the rationalization in her mind to behave in literally unthinkably cruel ways. All the while I was going through the most terrifying period of my life, begging for honesty and *care.
Note: The one thing Narcissists cannot provide is Honesty. As mentioned earlier: Their dishonesty is pathological. Read up on it, pathological means they believe the lies they tell themselves. Their faux ego is wrapped up in it.
For 6 months I was in the darkest corners of my mind. I seriously wouldn’t wish this on anyone, not even for a single day. All my savings were gone, my peace was gone, and seemingly no one cared enough to talk honestly with me. (“If my wife didn’t, then why would anyone else?” ~ was the thought.
Hindsight: She had isolated me, sowed doubt in my relationships. With nothing and no options and a mind that could barely make sense of turning the kettle on, my dreams of having kids and raising a family with Narc were for the moment... lost. This was not sustainable for very much longer and financially we weren't going to make it through the winter. I felt like a burden. There was talk of me operating heavy equipment in the oil sands of Alberta (good money) where I would be distracted from The Ringing all day by the white noise of machinery and perhaps have the opportunity to work out a new mental process, but it was just talk. To be honest I couldn't make heads or tails of anything at that point, I was just trying to make it through each day.
Note: From "the bad part" a continuous unrelenting nightmare
Make it though 15 sec, ok…. Make it through a minute, an hour…… Day after day, week and month.
The Ringing had broken me and I felt like I had failed her. Failed us.
At this point Narc took a vacation to Jamaica with her ‘best friend’ Marg. I was not upset about this, hear me out. Watching someone suffer and in pain is brutal (to a non narcissist) Perhaps knowing that you can do something about it, but unable to bring yourself to do it, well, I didn’t know what that was? My thoughts: I didn’t know the full extent of what she was going through either. I did know it added immense stress to her already stressful and depressing work life and a break from that exposure would be good.
Then the unthinkable happened.
Note: An unmistakeable change, switch, night and day. Enter: The Discard Phase.
Note continued from "the bad part"...
In my darkest hour, seeing the vulnerability and despair she took the opportunity to attack. I was traumatizingly shocked in disbelief over and over again. I didn’t believe cruelty of this nature was possible. Like kicking your dog to the street after 10 years of loyalty and devotion because it has “a broken leg”. Who would do this? I didn’t think it was possible. I was wrong. Ladies and gentlemen there are people out there that will do this. And the kicker is their “unaccountable worlds” allow them to blame YOU.
Note continued… The only justice is karma, in that they live the rest of their lying life carrying the rotting miserable cancer in their souls. That same dishonesty blocks them from ever seeing the most meaningful and beautiful life experiences. Self sentenced to life of not experiencing life.
Something changed with Narc on her vacation with Marg. She came back and openly (with no "pretend" empathy whatsoever) “stabbed” and “jabbed” to DESTROY.
A little story from her vacation: She had been having drinks with Marg et al. and letting loose with them. I was happy for her that she did that, but what about all those times I had suggested letting loose with a couple drinks with me? It really would've Helped Us! Letting loose with someone is trust and intimacy and is more important to me than sex. I felt betrayed. As always, I told her the Hard Love truth that I was happy for her that she did that, but also felt a little betrayed. The stone cold response was palpable.
This feeling of betrayal prevented me from looking beyond Narc's (jokingly told) story of being approached by local men while she was alone on an excursion to swim with dolphins. These men were likely looking at her with predator eyes. Even though she told the story as if it were funny it was still a position of threat. She was alone. I had chosen not to go to Jamaica. I felt like I had failed to protect her.
But after this understandable blow the hits kept on coming. Hit after hit, jab after jab!
Narc also started actively and openly rejecting me at home (without talking to me about it) and actively avoided me all together by spending all her "good" time (weekends) with Marg. Before Jamaica, she would at least try (to pretend) to be there for me. After this switch she actively blamed me and made me out to be worthless. I had not even thought this level of loneliness and abandonment was possible. I believed Narc to be my “Ride or Die”. I had gone to the ends of the earth and back for “OUR” family and her in times of need. For 11 years! I was in utter disbelief. In shock and it didn’t make any sense. This was not the Narc I’d (🎶 “Religiously” ~ Bailey Zimmerman) believed in and consciously been present with for 11 years. She had never outwardly persecuted me with false accusations before. In the past she would have at least pretended to give me the opportunity to explain or defend myself. I knew something terrible had switched on that trip, but I was in no shape to figure out what or why? I was naively provocative in searching for some truth to work with and this made things worse.
Note: Worse? Yes I did not know that in the discard phase the narcissist has all their ducks lined up. Their last playing card is to utterly destroy you! I did not or could not believe someone was capable of this. I was in no position to face THAT TRUTH.
Note: The Discard Phase: This is when the narcassist's ego, mask, lies are threatened "They know you know, or will figure it out shortly"). And/Or their supply has dried up. And/Or their supply's boundaries become too strong. And/Or they have found a replacement. In the most brutally revealing way. The Ringing's severity had exposed Narc's inability to truly empathize (The mask version didn't work), or communicate with authenticity from an honest place. (Remember they literally don't know what honesty is). Honesty and authentic empathy would've created the space I needed to bring myself back to life. So in a way The Ringing had initiated a head on collision with the narcassistic lie. How grateful I am for this now.
🎶 “What I thought was the death of me, was my saving grace”
Here are some False Acussations designed to break me. (Character Assassinations) And the replies to Narc I would've spoken, had I been given the chance:
A narcissist does not give you the chance.
“Glen does not want children, but Narc does.” This is not true, I wanted nothing more than to have kids, raise a family."
“Glen does not like her pets” Not true, little Pepper (The Weiner dog) was "my little girl”, Beans the other Weiner is irritating sometimes, but I figured out that he had high anxiety and I personally invented ways to make him more comfortable.
“Glen would NOT be a good father”. Not true, yes it looked like that for 6 months and that's understandable, but that was temporary. I would be the most loving, protective and caring father... that could always, always be counted on. (I'd only ever heard this once before, Marg)
“Glen does not do what Narc wants to do” I was focussed on our eventual freedom and blindly sacrificed myself and missed out on many experiences. But her entitlement in this statement is straight out of Narcissism 101.
“Glen is an alcoholic.” I can understand the image surviving those 6 months would have portrayed to a complete stranger. But this was the only carefully calibrated way I knew how to rest my mind that would NOT switch off for 6 months. It’s not true. I have a backbone and self discipline second to no one I've ever met. (**Current Update: Proven. Mental management of The Ringing at 99.9% and only have a drinks when I deal with a lot of BS).
Note: But in hindsight it left an opening, a vulnerablity, a 50/50 legitimate weakness. She took that 50% (not the whole truth) all the way. This was the perfect way to spin a lie to all her "Flying Monkeys".
“It’s all about sex for Glen” Not true, actually the complete opposite, and I’d dedicated 11 years to showing her that.
“Glen doesn’t like her friends” Not true, Yes I could sense that I rubbed Marg the wrong way, but 1 out of (at least) 4 ain't bad.
“Glen doesn’t like her family” Not true. I loved being uncle and auntie to The Boys in the chances we had, sacrificed huge amounts for "our" family over the years. (Weird it was like I was the only one who did the hard work for family stuff.) I did not have a family besides Narc and her family... and deeply wished they would see me as part of theirs. I had gone to great lengths for "our" entire extended family: Hosting, helping, deaths. Not one lifted a finger in my time of need. Note: (But then again... they had been kept in the dark by Narc and she had to keep her mask up with them)
All of these things were a gut wrenching misunderstanding I thought, or part of a bigger picture that I was blinded to.
Note: It is absolutely mind-blowing the lengths I would go to give the benefit of the doubt to her, look for rational reasons for her behaviour. But her behaviour didn't stem from a rational world. It stemmed from lies (non-reality) and lies-to-self (irrationality).
I even deflected blame to Marg, thinking she had somehow caused this change on the holiday to Jamaica. I had no idea about Narcassism so completely missed that Marg and her family were set up as Narc’s "replacement supply".
I also said some things in the heat of the moment that in hindsight were unkind and perhaps hurtful, but were said calmly and in response. I take full ownership and accountability for them and won't rationalize them because of the state I was in, that I was being baited or the abuse I was enduring. I know I can do better.
My catatonic states got worse. Probably from the shock and confusion and I was fighting for the life of my mind every second of every day. Furthermore I was no longer welcome in my safe space, my home. All I needed was just a little mental peace (a little heartfelt conversation or affection would’ve worked) and time to figure this all out. I needed to feel safe to work out an entirely new mental process, religion, heal and evolve. I couldn’t do that at home any longer because I did not feel safe there anymore. I was being kicked out in a subversive manipulative way. Utterly disgusting behaviour when thinking about it in hindsight.
My only comforting interaction was with daddy’s little girl Pepper (The Wiener dog). Who would sense my anguish and come over to try and heal me. Licking the tears off my face and snuggling in under my neck as if to say: “I see the real you Dad, lick, lick, lick… and love you”
It came down to survival.
In the words of the song: The Shore ~ Matt McClure
“Maybe the bravest thing I can do is to save myself”
On the 18th of December, I had a dream. My first in a long, long time... And it said: "Go!"
Final note: I know it has been a difficult Chapter to get through. It’s taken me over 2 years to finally say it like it is and somehow try and do it justice. Please listen to the songs.
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