The long road, Chapter 5
Updated: Nov 17
CHAPTER 5
Ten Years Gone
LED ZEPPELIN
The injury to my hands and the verbal abuse at the scapyard/Auto-recycling workplace gave me my first panic attack. It also meant my workplace had to change, so I started work at a landscape construction company. The construction side built projects much closer to my inspirations. I had tried to make a home in many different places and had spent hours and days in each garden building water features or tropical gardens with big rocks. This was not the first time a ‘kick-in-the-gut’ turned into an opportunity and it wouldn’t be the last either.
Narc had established herself working at a bank through sheer determination and perseverance. We managed to escape from the cramped apartment to a little house (we could afford to rent) with an acre of yard. “Space! Wow” Things were looking up.
I had a big soft heart and wore it on my sleeve and this has got me into trouble quite a few times. This story may seem like a doozy to you, but I was just being my trusting self:
A girl at work who’s life seemed to be chaotic and in distress talked to me about it. I was intrigued because she had some interesting thoughts about life and I actually thought she was a thinker. Ladies trust me, I only ever had eyes for Narc. I ended up offering her a hand, arm… and then leg. When I received and emergency call in the middle of the night I went to help. It's just who I am, I'm that guy. This didn’t sit well with Narc. I thought I was just being a friend until I eventually saw where Narc was coming from. I eventually figured out that there were drug and boyfriend problems. Then Narc told me she knew it all along. When the boyfriend showed up one day to collect a carpet I had stored for this girl, Narc went out on the driveway and completely ripped them a new one! They went running with their tales between their legs and I couldn’t have been prouder.
Narc has an extraordinary good sixth sense about people. Or so I thought, but in a mistrusting way. I had never seen her go ballistic before and found it incredibly sexy. By now we had been through some hard times together and to see her Fire come out was truly amazing and I also learnt a lesson.
I didn’t see any difference between making friends with a man or a woman. To me a friend was a friend and it was hard enough finding anyone to be good friends with. I’ll admit I was desperate for anyone to look me in the eyes and have a real conversation. I did’t care where the conversation went so long as it went somewhere. But I acknowledged that woman could sometimes have misleading intentions and I was blinded from picking that up. Narc’s younger years had given her a far greater exposure to people with drug and alcohol problems than my country boy life had. My valuable lesson (1.) was to ask Narc first because I can be too trusting or naive in these situations. I could also safeguard this by only making friends with men.
Note: I learnt 1 of 2 lessons at the time. The other lesson (6 years later) was; Narc isolating me from females. My empathetic, emotional and somewhat feminine side connected with females more naturally than with egotistical males. This threatened Narcs control.
My confidence was returning and the future started looking optimistic. I didn’t show it at the time, but I was in love with Narc and had buried it beneath my day-to-day stresses of trying to build a life for us.
The Boys and Narc’s sister came over to Canada for a visit one summer. We were doing well for ourselves. I had put a tremendous amount of work into our garden, there were plants and flowers everywhere. Narc had made the house cozy and inviting with family pictures on the walls and her love for IKEA furniture. We even had some savings. I went all out for The Boys that summer: fishing, jumpy castle, games even Tikki torches and blew all my savings, but the importance of Auntie Narc seeing and having fun with our nephews was worth it.
The Boys had grown and I had not been speaking on FaceTime with them. My energy and connection comes from being around and in person. In a way I’m just a big kid myself. Uncle Glen was almost a stranger to them at first and that hurt a little, but that was my own fault. I explained this all to Narc and she understood that being around them and in closer proximity would’ve been ideal. We really wished they would've moved to Canada. However I don’t think she quite understood how interacting was my way of bonding or that my heart was also broken leaving The Boys behind in Africa.
Narc was not in a career she would’ve chosen, but was very good at it. We circumstantially had been adulting for a while by now and things like her pension, benefits etc. also played a part. Every year we got a promotion or raise, but the housing market where we lived seemed to get further and further out of reach.
The security of her job had us talking about babies. And we did try. We succeeded and were pregnant. It was mentally overwhelming thinking that there could be a little one of my love and I running around in 9 months time. For a brief period we were going to have a little family of our own and my heart was filled with joy! Narc would be a good mom (I thought). Her interest in being around kids and imagination were beautiful to watch. I can only imagine the emotions a woman must go through, first believing she’s carrying a child. Our child. And then the loss of losing the entire overwhelming thought. We miscarried and stopped trying for the time being because the emotional rollercoaster was a little too confusing for both of us.
I believed the whole experience brought us closer together, but I could’ve been wrong. I had learnt not to pry too much and if anything Narc would tell me when she was ready. Or so I thought?
I thought getting citizenship would finally set free the Wild Man and spontaneity in me that I had been hiding since not feeling accepted or appreciated yet. I also met my soulmate Roger. A Good Man I could have conversations with. He and his farm eventually became a life saver and I mean that quite literally. His story is of tremendous courage, insight and heartbreak definitely needs to be published one day. More on “Donkey” later.
Despite her workplace causing obvious qualms, Narc persevered and achieved an even more impressive position. I noticed how she’d gone from a very vocal, always-said-what’s-on-her-mind girl to a more professional, bite-her-tongue adult. No matter how hard she tried to separate work from home it sometimes came home. It also broke my heart because all I’ve ever wanted is for her True Self** to thrive. I believed in her Spirit to my core. The toll work was taking from her was obvious, but there really was no other option at that time. Bills and rent needed to be paid. Some may say “that’s life” and for some that’s ok and I respect that. I had never had any doubt that one day through sheer grit and determination my love and I would find a way to ride the winds back and fly.
Note: True Self** what I had seen during the “love bombing” phase.
Note: Dynamic shift (once again), I was no longer shackled.
As her friend I needed to have her back. As her husband I needed to be a leader and figure something out for us. I knew that where there’s no growth, belief dies. Doing something day in and day out where people and corporations can suck your soul can be crushing. I was not going to let this stand. I needed to do something for Narc and myself to bring the sparkle back. My heart was broken that she felt trapped and I couldn’t do anything about it at that moment. Or could I? It was time to think outside the box.
I filled our summers with flowers and kept the wood stove cozy and warm in winter.
We needed growth not stagnation. In the beginning our relationship had growth, new challenges and new experiences that we shared. There were now plenty of challenges, but with their burden that we didn’t talk about. No matter how hard I tried. It was like we both just sucked it up. With very little money a holiday was out of the question. I had to save money for us. What could we do?
I had found a new energy from doing something that I actually enjoyed. With my extra energy I was thinking intensely on how to supplement Narc’s life in such a way as to empower her Spirit. (Use whatever free energy I had to give to Narc.) We were talking, but the conversations had mostly deteriorated into day-to-day things. I managed to extract the fact that she really loved animals and there was even talk of her switching to becoming a veterinary assistant.
My mind thinks intensely about things from all different angles and all I could come up with is perhaps owning an acreage or farm one day. "I grew up on a farm in the country so this could work?" It was something to think about. This was going to be a challenge coming from nothing, especially because getting on the housing ladder was next to impossible.
I did have business skills and she had people skills. "Maybe the way for us both to thrive would be to run our own business someday?" We could both be working in our element just like when we first met. She could take care of the people and I could take care of the production. “It fit perfectly” We had experienced the core ingredients before. “This was it!” I thought.
Note: Giving whatever energy I could away freely: How confusing it is when things are going well for (us, the “we”) or so I thought, but met with rejection over and over again. Genuinely affectionate back rubs almost every night even if just a little hand or conscious and present (light rub with fingertips), met with cold shoulder and being ignored. Very, very confusing. And I’ll admit something here. I cried myself to sleep many many nights wondering “Why?”
Narc delivered a tremendous amount of value at her work, however it WAS NOT reflected back to her there. (It’s a corporation, what do you expect?) I thought that I could reach her soul and reenergize her Spirit by reflecting her value back through intimacy. Perhaps even heal both our souls and energize both our Spirits, a kind of free synergy. I am a good honest man, a protector of innocence, with a great big heart and a backbone of steel. Here my strong protective nature could provide a safe space for her defences to come down, freeing her innocence to come out and play. (Synergy)~ Seeing her belief in me and her defences come down, I would experience that ellusive peace in knowing that she truly sees and accepts me. PEACE, no matter what kind of day we’ve had.
To me intimacy is primarily conversation and then perhaps reflecting each others value through touch.
True friendship love has intimacy. A value reflection of our most vulnerable thoughts and beliefs without any physical sharing necessary. It also requires the effort to be honest to oneself and the other, and the guiltless freedom to be oneself. Then, if the moment appears and we’re both present in it, making-love can immortalize those shared values in a moment of mutual acceptance and bliss. A moment of release and almost child-like joy!
Note: …and healing!!!!!!!
For years I vulnerably lay my soul on the chopping block for this growth, but for years I took her averting as rejection. Narc was spontaneous, open minded and adventurous (I thought). I also thought I communicated poorly and often couldn’t find the right words anymore to make myself clear. No matter what I said or how I said it (and I literally tried hundreds of different ways… Nothing landed.)*** (Perhaps thinking too much about it?) Narc and I both didn't make a move unless the information was clear. My stubbornness and her stubbornness locked in a 'stalemate'.
*** or I was being gaslighted.
Note: Little did I know that being empowered by citizenship and the freedom and confidence that came with it (was a “bad” thing). [a dynamic shift, to what I actually believe is more natural] Natural for some, but not to a Narcissist. Her control took a hit. Instead, she now controlled the “drip feed” of reciprocation. How do I know this? The time period is key. In the end coming up in a few chapters; a Freudian slip had me thinking for months until it finally “clicked”. This was the only major change during this period. I was foolishly under the belief that pushing hard to better us was a “good thing”.
It is but it isn’t… are you starting to see how up-side-down a relationship with a narcissist can be?
After years of “not enough” reciprocation in my head and hundreds of attempted conversations. (Remember the promise to sort our disagreements out before bed?) My energy was spent and I noticed that I was hurting myself by continuing. I had to go against my free loving nature and cut myself off from (unreciprocated) affection with discipline. (Unknowingly created a boundary) Narc did try a little conversation or affection many times over the years, it was always spaced out and I felt like it was a chore for her. There is a subtle difference, that makes all the difference. My gut told me she had something stopping her and I absolutely never wanted her to go against her free will. A feeling of being forced would have the opposite effect on growth. I thought it was caused by her own fear of openness or repressed emotions and all I could do was provide a safe and loving space.
Note: (and this is a BIG one!)
For control and pseudo self-esteem narcassists will DRIP-FEED you. Push you right to the limits of confusion and desperation. They will watch it happen. They get a sense of self importance having this kind of affect on someone. It boosts their 'ego'. Reaffirms their lie when you break! React. When you are at breaking point. (I used to call it the 6 month conversation, because it was like clockwork, picked up the pattern but had no idea what was actually happening). At breaking point they will drip-feed you. Just enough (and they are experts!) making us believe that their is hope. "I can do this", "I will find a way", "It must be me”, “I can adapt/evolve/self-reflect/grow" "If I work harder, give more; We can break through 'whatever is' getting in the way" "We can get back to that "beautiful place", its possible, ["The love bombing phase"]. "I BELIEVE IT, because I was there, I experienced it" [The love bombing phase]
This is called: The Trauma bonding (phase)
Note continued… The secret… The lie is that: There never was a solution, there never was going to be a solution based in reality or honesty. And they knew it.
The year after year after year cycle of playing chemical/endocrinal warfare with your dopamine and cortisol levels is psychological/mental ABUSE. Expertly crafted to make you think You are the problem.
This is how they can keep using you for their emotional regulation and piggyback off your genuine efforts and genuine self esteem, even though its draining you, bleeding you.. Narcassism is the fabricated world of unaccountability, the rationalized mental equivalent of a parasite.
You find other ways to recharge (gardening, productivity)... just so that you can give more! As empaths and Givers we think the solution is giving more. And they have us: hook, line and sinker!
Remember how I said how individuals with honesty, loyalty, strong EQ's are targets? and getting us to the point of promises? and "All-in". THIS IS WHY. We never ever give up!
Looking back now. I remember a “just getting our rocks off” sex conversation that came up only once. I was not experienced in this and my thinking at the time was that this kind of sex may be harmful to ones soul or risked disempowering her. (The opposite of what I felt like I needed to do) but I was open to trying. It didn’t feel right as protecting her innocence and appreciating her beauty was more important to me. I was also unknowingly in love with her and in the shortsightedness and perhaps selfishness of that, needed more connection.
Note or life lesson: We never kissed in 10 years! Like really kissed. 🎶“Ladies and gentlemen of the class of 99… dance!” Kiss! “It’s all about the kiss.”
What I didn’t see at the time was that maybe she was attempting to show me a form of her deepest trust and playfulness. Tragically the very ingredients I hurt myself thinking she never gave. Or she was trying to explain to me an in-the-moment spontaneity what I myself had inhibitions toward.
Note: Or, she felt the need to punish herself for the shame she felt in living and perpetuating a lie? Or she wanted me to go against my 'gut', morals, values to "break me" and be more like her?
I do have a wild side. A compartmentalized animal that I only let out when completely free to do so. That’s why I love mountains, the ocean, fires and open spaces. It’s to run around and be wild and free. This could tragically have been an outlet for us all along. However, my gut unlocks this freedom and I felt it instantly every time I was with “Donkey” (Roger). A glaring contradiction.
"But why not try again?" Or "talk about it further?" I had given Narc the benefit of the doubt 1000’s of times in conversation and always looked for the best in her. "Did she not trust me?" Or was I missing something? It felt like her wings had been clipped somehow and she didn’t know that they could grow back.
I was open to this type of sex even though it seemed risky. Maybe intimacy was risky for her? My logic told me to start with the least risky and then evolve. Maybe her logic did the same thing? We may have been able to evolve our relationship into a hybrid of some sort, but she refused to talk about it and I didn’t understand why?
Narc had a way of fighting first and talking later. I initially thought this was defensiveness perpetuated by the unfair demoralizations at work. I thought it was a fighting spirit that I eventually learnt to understand and love, but at the time I was too frustrated that the “talking later” part always seemed to be forgotten.
Note: Persecutor/Victim
Eventually, even the fight first side got replaced with silence and ignoring me. I knew it had been buried too deep by the adulting and her work. My patience turned into more of a Hard Love telling it like I saw it served with an unhelpful side of frustration.
If not for anything else, my perseverance with truth and honesty and coming from a purely loving place for years upon years, with no encouragement is a testament to my deepest sincere love for her. I remember thinking: “In one night, just one night! Everything could be ok. Just one night.”
I learnt to not bring it up for her sake and mine and focussed purely on conversations that could possibly go somewhere to at least get her expressiveness back, but missed the fact that a little spontaneity may have communicated better.
I have absolutely no doubt that if we had talked further I would’ve ‘got it’, understood more completely and evolved. That’s just the way I am. I’ve always been able to change with understanding. They say: “people don’t change”. That’s not true. People change all the time, sometimes for the worse and sometimes for the better. Getting down to a core understanding allows me to adapt a different way. This is fundamental change and nearly always for the better.
What was so confusing is that I believed her True Self to be someone who said-what-she-meant and meant-what-she-said. In the past she was never shy of voicing her opinion or saying it like-it-is. "Where did she go?"
Did she not realize I was the safest place in the world to release anything that haunted her? I would think more highly of her because it takes bravery and strength. It's definitely not a weakness. I had said over and over again that, "I am good with anything, so long as it's honest." I would never, ever hold anything honest against her. She must've known that, surely?
Note: Psychologically: Narcissists don’t know what honesty is… read that again. (The world they’ve created in their minds, that they are the centre of, is their identity. However make-believe it may be they will protect the image of it at ALL COSTS. All costs! Including children, family and partners.) In acting (movies etc.) this is called: Stanislavski’s System. You either fit into their ‘world’ as a ‘supporting actor’ or not.
Note continued… Imagine being a child and having to create this world because the outside real one is that unsafe/bad and in order to survive the mind unknowingly uses dissociation.
Holidays naturally reignited her flame. I was too focussed on the long term and missed out on fuelling that flame with her. Looking back I realized I’d only taking one week to go camping in 9 years. An impressive record, but an immense oversight. I saw our intimacy as a free adventurous expedition, but I may have been paddling up the creek with the wrong paddle? Was Narc wiser than me by putting experiences as top priority? Or was it avoidance and to bolster her make-believe world?
Why was I being kept in the dark?" My answer at the time always came full circle back around to trust. My trustworthiness is something that I'm most proud of and therefore was always narrowly looking through those goggles, therefore my pride got in the way.
I thought maybe she just needed to loosen up a little. Alcohol helped me separate a work day from home, sometimes a little too much. "Maybe it could help her too?" Just take the edge off for a couple hours and release some of that unnecessary stress. Relax and free our spontaneous sides. Narc would never ever drink with me anymore like in the (love-bombing phase) (She did suffer from migraines, for days at times, and some drinks could trigger them almost instantly.) However, why not explore and find a drink that works? I suggested this many times, but she just didn’t want to ever go there with me. Loosen up and have a couple drinks. I accepted and respected this, but when questioned a little, all she said was: "migraines". I didn’t press any further and maybe I should have? Maybe it was something else?
This didn’t help with my feeling of not being trusted. “Why won’t you loosen up with me?” There’s nothing worse than knowing somethings wrong and that there’s a solution out there. Knowing we could figure out a solution together, one that would work for the both of us, and being shut down and kept in the dark. Especially when you’re in love and will go to the ends of the earth.
I broke my knee during a freak accident at work one week. I was in a lot of pain and unable to move my leg for a few days. The next week my leg started turning purple and we phoned our family doctor for advice, but only got their voicemail. They ignored our voicemail and didn’t call back. Two days later when I woke up in the morning I couldn’t breath. Luckily Narc was right there next to me because I was terrified. She always took me seriously when I needed direct help and I am so grateful for this because it saved my life that morning. She got on the phone with Tele-health, and within minutes I was taken away in an ambulance. It was a pulmonary embolism from clotting behind the broken knee. She held my hand and was there for me through it all. When something was clear Narc jumped into action.
That same year Narc's Grandpa passed rather suddenly. When we had visited them in the past I could see that he had a soft spot for Narc and he was a hard man. He would make it known if he didn't like you, but would have a subtle way of letting you know if he did. I think we saw eye to eye especially as we both had very little tolerance for BS. The disrespect that some of his family showed him was disgusting! After bending over backwards yet again and biting my tongue. I decided to honour this great man by adhering to the "no BS policy" more strongly.
Perhaps our environment needed to change? Maybe we needed more excitement or adventure? A change of scenery to where we could both find our own happiness and freedom. I took on this responsibility. Leaving out the one crucial necessity. Everyone is responsible for their own freedom and happiness. A “friends only” perspective would have reminded me of that Hard Love truth.
In one of my rare opportunities for a conversation the little tourist town of Banff (or was it Jasper?) in Alberta came up. Narc loved it. “Wouldn’t it be ideal if we could run a little coffee shop there?” She said. It also reminded us of the tourist town in the mountains where we met. We talked about the possibility of (myself) going out to Alberta on an exploratory mission first, but I could never bring myself to do it because the thought of being separated went against my heart.
I put our future above everything else and missed out on 'the moment' quite a few times. I sacrificed not going with Narc to Thailand and Las Vegas on vacation. Even being separated for that short time tore my insides apart, but I put on brave face to be happy for her and kept working.
Nevertheless, life and challenges carried on. With iPhones, social media and tv… Trying to get a conversation going was like drawing blood from a stone. I would wait patiently for weekends, then months and then seasons to have a meaningful conversation. And sustain myself with that ration to squeeze out some growth between ourselves and with our future plans.
[note: This is being drip fed dopamine (“hope”)/trauma bonding] in her case valuing me with either conversation or reciprocating affection.
Visiting her ‘best friend’ Marg’s family was important to Narc, but after being by her side on so many visits and being ignored, I no longer saw any point to going with. Marg and her husband also stopped coming over to our house for fires. I spoke with Narc about this unfairness and even persevered a while longer just to be by her side, but nothing changed. Eventually being a piece of furniture only exacerbated my loneliness and I started saying no.
Note: Being used as a “showpiece” buffering her world but not valued is another trait to watch out for or Warning Sign)
In the past Marg had made it noticeable that my straight forwardness rubbed her the wrong way - expressing negatively on my purely honest approach to being a dad. She had even said around a campfire (at our house) once, that I was unsuitable father material. Perhaps a red flag that I didn’t pay attention to because it wasn't true. I “compartmentalized” her in my mind as a ‘virtue signaller’.
Within a couple years, Narc’s ‘best friend’ Marg had her first child. In a substitutive way Narc was an ‘Auntie Narc’ again. Narc was proud of her interactions with Marg’s kids. By not going with her, I missed the opportunity to show her how much I truly valued this quality of hers.
Note: Piggybacking Returns. And another little narcassistic tit bit, she had found a secret replacement for "Our" dream of a family, home and kids.
I really enjoyed her other friends K and G's company. I asked Narc a few times if we could hang out with K more as I really enjoyed her sons (beyond his years) thinking. G's mom can cook and unbelievable meal and instantly made me feel like a son. "Here, 'ghave' some soup." G is the kind of friend that I have the utmost respect for. She says it exactly like it is, take it or leave it!
I had run out of ideas so took an out-the-box approach and remembered how we connected with music when we first met. I’d set up music nights and playfully dance to her boy band suggestions, have fun and also try move the chat to a conversation. It failed, I just couldn’t compete with iPhones or social media.
I pressed on blindly not loving Narc for one of the core things I love most about her: "beating to her own drum." But the rhythm of that beat had been captured by the algorithms of social media. [dissociation]
The business idea appeared to be the only way forward. I had saved a nest egg by working myself to the bone, 50-60 hrs a week, every week for a year. In a position that caused so much stress that I literally pulled all my beard hairs out. To boost the nest egg, I had invested it in the stock exchange. This money was to be used to change our environment by starting my own landscaping business. Build it, grow it and free Narc from the bank. At this point I was so determined that it was the only way to provide Narc with the guiltless freedom to be herself.
In a nutshell these years are between three quotes:
“Far better it is to dare mighty things, to win glorious triumphs, even though checkered by failure, than to take rank with those poor spirits who neither enjoy much nor suffer much, because they live in the grey twilight that knows neither victory nor defeat.” ― Theodore Roosevelt
“A donkey does not bash it’s head twice against the same stump” - Afrikaans saying
And..
“If at first you don’t succeed, try, try, try again.”
Note: The sad truth is: I (or Our dream) had already been replaced. She had found a replacement but kept me completely in the dark.
QUICK LINKS
Комментарии