The long road, Chapter 2
Updated: Nov 17
The Promises
Canada was everything Narc had described and more. I had met her friends and family. Sat in the Tim Hortons parking lot with coffee and experienced a Canadian holding the door open for me from a mile away. Our honey moon was a road trip with no particular destination except North to Tobermory and later ended up South in Niagara Falls. Wally (Narc’s step-dad or “D2”) deserves his own chapter and I might just do that. From organizing a ‘Welcome to Canada sign’ on the road into town, to getting us a minivan for the road trip; This Newfoundland Man ("Newfie)" had a heart that just gave and gave and gave. And I only realized the connection between he and I after he passed. (More on him later).
From our Hotel room balcony in Niagara Falls we watched the funniest Halloween-costumed-guy stand perfectly still and then just as kids came in for a closer look… BAM! He’d move a little sending kids screaming, and some adults too. We were entertained for hours.
Our relationship dynamic did not change when we got back to Africa. It was friendship first. We made a promise to each other to never lose our friendship and to always settle our disagreements before bed. I didn't hesitate to agree with her, however at the time I didn’t know how important a factor that would become in the years that played out ahead. One thing was clear, we had somehow found each other (what are the odds?) and we were inseparable. Weirdly inseparable. “Ride or die”
One day while we were working together Narc got very upsetting news from back in Canada (15,600 km away). Her (biological) Dad was very ill with Cancer and it became a frustrating mission to find out just how bad a shape he was in. There weren’t enough details, but I could tell by the look on her face that Narc somehow knew it was serious. She needed to fly back to Canada as soon as possible. It was likely that she may be seeing her dad for the last time. She was in shock and walking around with anxiousness and a sick stomach. I could see that she felt incredibly torn, but absolutely adamant that she needed me to come with her. I didn’t even have to think about it, “let’s go and let’s go now!” Flights were booked immediately, but I also needed a Visa from the Canadian Embassy. This was extremely stressful. Time was of the essence and I believe the Travel Visa was picked up on the way to the airport. News of her Dad’s condition was trickling through and our ‘gut’s’ told us: “This is not good.” It became a matter of; Were we going to make it there in time for her to say goodbye? Or would this be a tragedy of timing and distance? It was about a 3hr drive to the airport, a 20hr flight to Canada, and another 4 hr flight to the Praires where Narc’s cousin Cher or (Mom2) would pick us up from the airport.
Tragedy struck while we were in the air and she never got to say “goodbye”. My heart was broken for her. All I could do was be there for her and that is exactly what I did. I only knew of him and was told that he would give a complete stranger the “shirt off his back”. Meeting him during the wedding and promising him I would take care of his girl. They had a unique connection and similarities, a kind of awkwardness that those who love them find absolutely adorable.
I knew one thing for sure, I loved her. That feeling of being willing to do absolutely anything to take the pain away, but you just can’t. It’s helpless and gut wrenching.
That mission to Canada was foggy. But I learnt that I was ok with putting myself second if needed. This may not be exceptional for some, but I found it eye opening. It was the first time I knew I could be an actual husband. I knew that I wanted to be there for her no matter what for the rest of my life. And that was that.
Note: Fully integrated honesty, right? Ok, I knew she had some broken pieces, a childhood of uncertainty continuing on with men behaving badly. I knew this. But I also knew who I was. I was the opposite of all that. Did my ego think I could fix those broken pieces? Perhaps. Or perhaps I figured that I could be the antidote. I also believed that people were inherently good and “everybody” was searching for more meaning in life through growth, like I was. ** Love like in the movies? (The Notebook 2004) and 🎶 Songs?
As it turns out NOT everybody, or at least NOT everybody is willing to put in the work that growth requires.
We individually make sense of our world. (Each to their own, right?) Some are willing to bridge the gap between “their sense” and “your sense” = mutual or greater understanding, common denominators, linked tree branches (sometimes a little further out in the canopies of ideas than the primary focus) and this leads to growth a “phew! We actually “get” each other moment”.
Some are not. It’s their way or the highway.
Some want the growth without the work. (Patience, openness, humbleness, learning, thought, effort, self discipline)
Some want the rewards from growth but aren’t willing to grow.
There’s a real mix out there.
And “my kind of people” the ones who sit around the fire all night exploring tree branches.
What happens when you’re the explorer of new ways to “see” the world and you join in “unity” with someone who’s ONLY willing to feed their own beliefs? Their own ego? Or a fortified, comfortable, impenetrable, protective shell such as detachment syndrome? (Perhaps innocently and unintentionally brought about by survival mechanisms in childhood)
With growth as the lifeblood of any relationship; You get a ‘giver’ and a ‘taker’ set up. One is willing do anything, give anything, explore, research, think about, adapt, evolve, grow… and One is not.
But I could swear I saw the playful girl beneath the shell. Question is: Was that her? Or was that part of “the mask”?
Detachment syndrome is one thing, but it is a stones throw from narcissism. They share many commonalities.
The difference: Narcassists rationalize their taketh behaviour by “their version” of giving:
A narcissist believes that YOU being 'allowed' to be in their presence IS ENOUGH. The rest is up to you.
This is why the ‘love bombing’ phase with a 99.9% flawless mask at the beginning of a relationship is so important to their formula. To get the most mileage out of you, they need to get you to the point of ‘All in”. Empath’s, givers, soul warriors are easy pickings, or at least I was. All in and promises, to myself and us and I have never broken a promise.
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