The long road, Chapter 1
Updated: Nov 17
An immense amount of self reflection, self work, healing** , fully integrated honesty and deep soul searching has gone into this. However, I am still learning. Always, always will be.
**Healing (tips and insights to come in future posts)
The “book” is written with a mix of thought processes; 1. In the time they occurred. (I feel that that is important) It is the story of how it came together and 2. Revelations and evolutions are now added as “Notes”. I hope this doesn’t interrupt the flow, but they’re vital for the wide-view understanding. Surviving and healing from Narcissism is one of the hardest things to explain to someone not having ‘walked-in-those-shoes’. The backwardsness, upsidedowness and cruelty of some of the behaviour… is soooo bad that those who haven't gone through it don’t think it’s possible for someone to behave that way. I didn’t either. Not until I researched and read and read and read some more... Challenge accepted, because there is value there. And I’ll try my best. Maybe connect with a few of you beautiful souls out there… knowing you are NOT alone and NOT crazy. And for your loved ones reading this; maybe they’ll get a glimpse of what you went through that brings you closer together.
This story, comes from the bottom of my heart and all is laid bare. Everyones individual take is going to be unique, and I understand that. Please know I am being completely honest here, so please be gentle with my soul. Comments and discussions are welcomed.
To my daughter, I know your spirit is strong, I can see it already… it is my duty to protect it! But one day you’ll be out there figuring everything out for yourself. Sometimes the hard way… which is also sometimes the best way, I get that. However, there is something ancient about telling stories. This one is a broken road that lead to you and needs to be told.
With love
Glen Walker
PS. Names have been altered or kept out for privacy.
🎶 Songs have been added for a reason that I’ll get to in another post about re-wiring neaural pathways after total brain wipe-out.
LET ME BE CLEAR. I love this woman/girl (behind the mask) unconditionally and despite everything! Part of healing is forgiveness, understanding (detachment syndrome) and finding the core source of why you gave so much! Your love and NO ONE can take that away!
A narcassist would say:
"Why can't you just let it go?"
"If you really loved me you wouldn't say anything"
"You're being vindictive"
...And that is precisely the grey area in which their lies keep going. Silencing you. Silencing the truth. Unconditional family-type love is being at peace with being "the bad guy"; IF their life or missing-out-on-life is at stake. The loving thing to do is say it like it is, for nothing grows in lies, nothing heals in lies.
CHAPTER 1
"Scatterling's of Africa”
JOHNNY CLEGG & JULUKA
It all started 12 years ago. In a little mountain village in Southern Africa. I was working for Narc’s Brother-in-law, Lolo. Narc had flown in from Canada to be with her family, but especially her baby and toddler nephews. (The Boys) We were younger, full of life and adventure. We had nothing but our selves, nothing to lose and our selves connected. Perhaps our Spirits too, time will tell.
Note: How naive I was back then. Didn’t even know narcissism existed. Didn’t even know the word.
I had a broken heart at the time having just come out of a very intense, but good love relationship. So genuine in fact that we are now best friends (family). But at the time, I was mentally and emotionally exhausted. Narc was someone I could vent to and I remember her telling me: “you are a good guy, I believe in you” This was exactly what I needed to hear.
Note: This is the ‘love bombing’ phase. Experts at snipering out your keys to unlocking your heart. The difference is; it’s for their own personal gain. A set goal or ambition. 10 years later I found out that I was targeted. And nothing was going to get in the way of her getting what she wanted. “A blonde guy with muscles” (as her fortune teller had told her.) Also that she didn’t care about my ex or that it was a sensitive area and real people could get really hurt: She was going to get me. I was not aware or not willing to see those details at the time, I was intrigued by this nonchalant attitude… I almost felt like I had a weakness in life, like I cared too much! Maybe I could learn something from her?
Note: BIG WARNING SIGN. Lack of empathy. But as naive as I was, I had no idea.
Narc also had a hardened heart in her own unique way. Practically all the men she'd ever had in her life had betrayed her or let her down in some way, or at some time. And what she had witnessed in life was men behaving badly.
Note: This was a warning sign! Her emotional detachment or EQ or emotional maturity was stuck in teenage years. Probably when she first learnt how effective a mask can be. 1. At protecting yourself, yes. But 2. Also at getting what you want from other people detached from accountability.
One of my truest qualities is my loyalty, honesty and my word. So I felt special that she had “recognized” that in me.
Note: Again, targeted for these qualities. NOT RECOGNIZED.
We started out as good solid friends keeping a watchful eye out for each other. I remember Narc messaging me late at night to come over for company. It was perfect. I wasn’t looking for anything sexual and neither was she. (??) We had each others back and kept each other warm. Yes, we did sleep together in the same bed some nights, but nothing happened. And Brandy (the little Jack Russel) was in there too or cooking herself medium rare next to the heater.
Note: Another warning sign, I remember specifically setting boundaries. Explicitly saying some nights that I needed to be alone to self reflect. This did not matter to Narc playing a “needing security” card. And like the naive protector I was, jumped in. This unfortunately was feigning vulnerability instead of being truly vulnerable. Both ways are usually a direct hit with any empath or protector. And I’ve now learnt the difference.
What I saw in Narc was ’alternative’, "happy-go-lucky", lovingness (towards her nephews), kindness (to strangers) and confidence. She absolutely adored her nephews. We would baby sit together and change diapers, tagging in-and-out on the extreme ones.
We also worked together and some may think that poses a challenge, but it was quite the opposite. Our characters "somehow" fit perfectly together even in stressful situations. It actually gave us energy dancing around each other. This was harmony or synergy I thought? Whatever it was, it was beautiful and inspired me for the 11 years to come. And the dream of having a family.
Note: This is typical of why us targets stay for so long. We remember what it ‘could-be-like’ and hang onto this thread of hope. As you’ll see in the years to come.
I was independent, loving, kind and extremely trustworthy. Not a single dishonest word came from my mouth. I’ve always had this “take it, or leave it” mantra, knowing the truth will always find a way and is bulletproof. This book is a part of that.
So our relationship grew “organically” (Note: what I thought) from a completely honest foundation. (??) Friendship.
In keeping with complete honesty, I did find Narc sexually attractive. And knowing me, likely would’ve said as much to her. I think Narc found my honesty attractive. (Note: Or a perceived weakness?)
Note: Avoidant attachment individuals are often attracted to us who are expressive with our passions and emotions, (‘wearing-our-hearts-on-our sleeve’)... So long as we "fit" into the box they have made for us. Instead of ownership, self responsibility and accountability of self-regulating their own emotions (EQ); We provide an alternative ‘playground’… (where they don’t have to be accountable.) Projecting anything they don’t want to feel themselves... onto us. We end up carrying the burden of not just our own emotional regulation, but theirs too. It’s when our own expressiveness slowly gets shut-down, silenced or ignored that it becomes dangerous. A narcissist will slowly condition us to carry the weight of their emotional regulation and silence ours by reacting badly when we ask for accountability, self responsibility or (heaven forbid) we point out their behaviour hurts us. This threatens their disassociating-make-believe-world that they’ve created for themselves.
Naive empaths (like I was) are extremely vulnerable to this exploitation.
We spent most of our days together. Working, going out at night, family bbq’s on the weekends or watching the nephews. It was a small village and you could walk around almost everywhere. To get the youngest to fall asleep we would take him for a stroll in the buggy. He had an obsession with fruit and “the pizza movie” (Bee Movie 2007). The older brother was a tough little guy and we bonded by wrestling, “Ahhhhh uncle Glen… pleeeeease wrestle with me?” He had a couple of moves that actually hurt and was very strong. I bonded with The Boys through this face to face interaction and quickly grew to love them and feel a protectiveness for them.
After a while the village can became a little claustrophobic (*see note below) and you had to get away. Narc was always yearning to see more, I mean… while in Africa make the most of it right? We had an opportunity to borrow Lolo’s (Narc’s brother-in-law’s) truck and camping equipment. We set off for a very special place to me, right next to the crashing waves of the Indian Ocean. It was warm, humid and tropical, and there were often dolphins riding the waves. I didn’t know all that much about her besides that “Narc Rox”, which she wrote on these little notes and snuck into my pocket. I did know she liked dolphins, so this place was perfect!
*Note: in this village everyone knew everyone, Narc played the victim card that some people in the village were cold shouldering her. I believed her. In hindsight and almost 12 years later I was informed of what was really going on behind my back. Those in the village had seen what I was blinded to. And the tribe had spoken. But it was too late for me. I fell for it and stood by her side.
We arrived late at night and had to set up camp with flashlights as quietly as possible. This turned out to be quite funny and we laughed about it for years. Not that we messed up or anything, but that we actually did such a good job and had fun doing it. On our second night with innocence in my mind and sexual attraction our bodies connected. It was freeing and exhilarating for me. Coffee the next morning tasted different and the ocean air was salty and fresh. My mind had opened and I was free. “Could this be possible?” “Is this a good thing?” "What about our friendship?" We both seemed lighter like a weight had been lifted. So: "Yes" “everything was good.”
Note: I had no idea that this may have been her game plan all along. Many years later I’ve reflected on why I get so attached after being physically intimate and have put it down to having a very feminine side when it comes to sex. I bond instantly and become “theirs”, so they get ALL of me. I’m a Canadian Goose, lol. I bond for life!
I thought at the time: it was a beautiful reflection of the value we had become to each other and even considering the friendship, not a mistake at all. That “trust” had “obviously” grown and we could handle this “innocent” evolution.
Deep down in my bones I noticed a change in myself. An instinct to be protective emerged almost immediately that I could feel moving through my bloodstream. A phenomenon that I think is quite natural after you bond with someone or maybe its just me. I feel this bond extremely strongly in life and may be connected to being an empath but it's also the reason I'd now only been with 2 woman. (Except for being raped once, but that doesn’t count) Once I’m with her I simply don’t have eyes for another. I had a protectiveness for The Boys too and they felt like family.
We had some time to think on the drive back to the mountains. “Yes, we were a ‘thing’ now.” Something? Not to be boxed or labelled, we both didn’t like that idea, but whatever it was for us, it was unique, special and felt right. So as two independent individuals, we let it grow.
🎶 Song: Safe and Sound - Capital Cities
The somewhat safe (for African standards) village tucked away in the mountains with spectacular views, thunderous storms and a lively weekend atmosphere also played a role. I believed for Narc it was adventurous and exciting and being around her nephews felt like home.
Note: Or was she piggybacking off her brother-in-laws family? because 12 years later a very similar thing occurs. Piggybacking is linked to the dissociated ego (above); it’s collecting the values in other people to surround themselves with that makes them look good and supports their ego instead of authentically working on genuine self esteem. It’s all the cake with no hangover.
The mountains were my home and I felt confident there. But Africa is Africa and it can be quite dangerous if you ‘fall-asleep-at-the-wheel’ or are a "happy-go-lucky" Canadian girl. Therefore those protective instincts grew rapidly for Narc.
Narc had to leave back to Canada for a while. Being separated threw us a whole new dimension at what had become quite comfortable. We didn’t know at the time that our inseparability had become quite “special”. The first hint of this came from her trip.
Note: With self reflection and growth I realized that in my younger years I had a vulnerable (not quite anxious) attachment style; yearning for love, affection and to be valued (externally) for who I was. Wearing my “heart-on-my-sleeve”. I don’t regret this even though it left a blind spot to be exploited.
I’ll never forget this because everything changed. Her return flight was delayed in the USA. She was all alone in the airport and missing me. My instincts jumped into action right away and I was able to at least stay in contact with her throughout her ordeal. Connectivity wasn’t like it is today, especially internationally. While stuck in the airport she really wanted to talk to me. This surprised me at the time. I thought that maybe she wanted to chat with her family the most. But no, I was the person. I felt honoured and stayed up all night so that the challenging connection would remain open.
When Narc returned to the village there was something different about her. Which she explained later in no uncertain terms. She didn’t want to be apart from me again. “You are my Ride or Die” she said. This was BIG, and to be honest threw me a little off balance for a moment. But I soon came too and realized the same thing. I did not want to be apart from her again either. I was convinced she was My Person.
Note: The words “ride or die” are going to come up again in later chapters. It means different things to different people.
This bond grew at our first little home together. We had a blow up mattress, some camping chairs, a couple of cardboard boxes as side tables (that Narc put some shawls over to make more homely.) A fireplace, because up in the mountains it did get cold in winter. Possibly even snowed once a year. And for entertainment: 2 iPods and a sound bar! That was it. And it was enough. I built a little tropical garden and water feature outside and we had a (braai) bbq of course.
At the time I didn’t listen to music all that much besides a little Guns & Roses. Narc gave me an education in music. Led Zeppelin, Pink Floyd, Of Monsters and Men, Arcade Fire, The Tragically Hip you name it. Growing up near Toronto, Canada. She had experienced music concerts and festivals. Something I just wasn’t exposed to in Africa. We would stream “Toronto’s 102.1 The Edge” all the way across the world in that little village. I now have a playlist with those same songs just to reminisce and bring back good memories. Our love grew “organically” sitting in front of the fireplace, listening to music and talking.
Note: Talking (and listening to music together) comes up in future chapters.
Narc wanted to stay In Africa, but the red tape and paperwork for a foreigner to stay is messy and a challenge. There were no guarantees or certainty either and that was if the paperwork didn’t get misplaced. The simplest way was marriage. We definitely did not want to be separated again and Narc wanted to stay, so a trip was planned to Canada for the summer. I could see where she came from, meet her friends and so on. And we were Getting Married! This came as a shock to her friends that knew her from childhood. Narc was always the girl that was never going to get married. Interestingly, I was always the boy that was never going to get married. And yet there we were.
The logic that we talked about made perfect sense to us. It did not matter what anybody else thought. Again, fiercely independent individuals who now trusted each other so much so that we got married. “And we did it, Our Way!” A Little Chapel in Niagara Falls with only the closest friends and family. A backyard reception where Narc gave a rockstar performance on the karaoke machine. Narc wore a summer dress with skulls and I had my swim shorts on. I thought I had found someone just as much a realist as I was yet she also had this magical and enchanting side that intrigued my spirit! It was perfect.
Note: “Enchanting” ~ a mystery and my lesson to learn. I was in love and "all-in".
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